10 Surprising Facts About Nairobi You Probably Didn't Know (and Some That’ll Make You Question Everything)
so i was walking through этой нога market in kibera last week and you know what i noticed? a guy selling $2 bagels from a cart made of old pallets. also my half-eaten samosa stared at me like it had a beef with me. weird. but here’s the thing about Nairobi: it’s this chaotic, contradictory mess that somehow still works. like your ex after two years. let me tell you 10 facts i dug up while pretending to edit a film in a bedroom with a ceiling fan that hates me.
first up: the city’s safety is a meme. like, yes, pickpockets exist here, but so do security forces that double as tourist guides. i once saw a guy in a tracking suit follow me because i was using an iphone 14. he seemed more invested in my device than me. some say it’s the job market. kenya’s tech sector is booming, so much so that safari lodges now hire people to manage LinkedIn pages. weird. my friend james, a expat, swears he got a job at a solar company just by showing up at their office with a power bank. ‘they thought it was a prototype,’ he says. honestly? that’s the vibe. cost of living? wild. rent in the city center? think $500 for a 1BR. but if you go to a place like ruiliri, you can get a three-bedroom for $200. it’s like a build-your-own-starbucks scenario.
now, the weather. people think it’s always hot. no. right now it’s that humid, pre-rain drama where your clothes cling to you like it’s luau season. my neighbor in gariani, a guy who runs a hackathon center, says the rain this week is ‘just the city’s way of watering his athlete plants.’ he won’t let me touch them.
here’s the data table, for the record:
| Category | Cost (USD) |
|---|---|
| Basic Accommodation | $200-500 |
| Street Food | $2-5 |
| Monthly Data | $10 |
| Co-working Space | $100-200 |
but don’t let the numbers fool you. Nairobi’s real beauty is in the absurdity. i passed a man selling ‘air conditioning’ for 200 shillings. it was a fan. another had a smooshable stress ball that looked like a melted brain. local gossip? overheard a barista at relic cafe say bicoya coffee is ‘the death trap of hipsters.’ another claimed matumo beach has a secret lair of elvis impersonators. i didn’t believe them until i saw a man in a white sequin suit doing […] wait, that’s my neighbor’s dog wearing a tiny cape.
i asked a yoga instructor in muranga about the city’s spiritual vibe. she gave me a blurry photo of a yoga mat folded against a wall and said, ‘if you need enlightenment, pay me $50 and i’ll narrate your session in k꜉̣ɪz̔.’ honestly? the city’s got enough energy to power a small country. and if you follow the wrong person on instagram, they’ll recommend you visit a place called the april bar. it’s a rooftop with a view of the uniCredit tower. price? $12 for a mimosa that tastes like regret.
here’s the map, because if you’re not lost here, are you really here?
later, i went to the ross creek market. a photographer i know posted a selfie there last week-smiling next to a wheelbarrow full of mangoes. he said the mangoes taste like nostalgia. i tried one. it was okay. also, a guy behind me was selling violins. real violins. not the kind you see in music videos. i almost bought one. i can’t play. i’m bad.
i’ve seen two movies here. one was directed by a guy who filmed it on his phone in a drain. the other was about a man who thought he was a prince. both were amazing. i need to find the director of the prince movie. he probably lives in mercer, creates art with bottle caps. speaking of art, there’s this street artist in kilindini who paints on dumpsters. his stuff looks like a nightmare vacation photo. if you walk past it, he’ll ask for 50 shillings. take it. it’s cheap.
someone warned me about the job market earlier this week. a disillusioned consultant in town said, ‘they’ll offer you 10% more than your last job, but you’ll work 80 hours a week and they’ll call you ‘strategic.’’ i don’t know if that’s true. but i’m here anyway. probably because the co-working space in my area gives free coffee if you wear a hoodie. no questions asked.
i asked an indie film scout on a hookah break about hidden cinematic spots. he handed me a handwritten list: ‘1. the abandoned railway in kiambu. 2. a church in nyakapanga with a slanting clock. 3. this café where the owner says he’s waiting for elvis.’ i’m taking it all. the co-working space coffee is addictive.
here’s a photo of the bridge thing. it looks like a cheesy sci-fi set.
also, melbourne’s got good coffee, but it’s not melbourne. i mean, Kenya’s second city is in kenya? no! this is kenya. obviously. but if you’d rather not deal with Nairobi’s mood swings, drive an hour to kiserian. it’s like the suburbs but with more goats and fewer problems. the weather there? golden. peaceful. serene. i passed a man milking a goat while wearing a toprocker logo. he was serious. i think he was auditioning for a meme.
so yeah. Nairobi’s a place that’ll make you question your life choices, but also give you the best nyama choma in the world. and if you’re into data? here’s the drink data: local beers cost $2. they’re stronger than they look. and if you’re a coffee snob, go to holler in middle town. they’ll charge you $8 for a latte that tastes like a hug.-review?
review? sorry, i meant a review. the last time i went to relic cafe, i saw a guy crying over a Matcha latte. another time, a tourist asked me if there’s pizza nearby. i told him, ‘yes, but it’s never delivered on time.’ he didn’t believe me. maybe he’s the one i should’ve asked about elvis.
links: reddit Nairobi survival guide | tripadvisor coffee rankings | yelp Nairobi hotels | local film listings
if you end up here, don’t trust the first person who offers you a safari. they’ll take your passport for a photo op. but also? come back. there’s something about the chaos that sticks with you. even if you leave with a belly full of questionable empanadas and a phone full of blurry selfies.
p.s. the dog in the cap is named mango. he follows me now.
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