A messy, messy Severomorsk shithole guide: survive the snow, the succs, and the Soviet ghosts (maybe)

the street’s got dice. today, i painted a crooked viking helmet on the frosty street corner. it’s the only thing that melts my boredom. the air’s colder than a polar bear’s swimsuit. i just checked and it’s...-2.23°C, feels like -7.58°C. hope you like frostbite glimmering in your eyelashes. neighbors? wall hosts. the apartment across yells in russian radio classical. maybe it’s a ghost. probably. if i get any more restless, maybe i’ll sneak into the old gulag tunnel and slap ‘the north star café’ on its door. some local schmo on Yelp called it ‘haunted, but in a cozy, existential way.’ will take that review with a grain of murky snow.

The barista here swears the fish market’s shopping list reads ‘10kg of ‘ambiguous fish’ + 1 reindeer, possible side of ‘I regret everything.’’

-overheard, probably via eavesdropping on someone who actually listens to the wind.

walked past a weathered statue of some… eagle-bald weirdo. locals say he’s a revolutionary leader, maybe? or just a guy who liked frostbite. hard to tell. pressed my thumb on the ’organic smoked reindeer’ menu item at the café. tasted like betrayal. pressed the barista for gossip. he said the city’s got a relic: a 1932 train car buried under the park. which, sure, why not? also, TripAdvisor says the sauna’s ‘authentic,’ but DuckDuckGo shows it’s run by Putin supporters. avoid both.

if you’re brave, grab the map. this one’s from Google, but the locals swear by the hand-drawn one you’ll find in the hostel, scribbled on a vodka-coated notepad.

apparently, Trisha from the Yelp reviews said the mountain lodge has a bear problem. didn’t believe her. made a mistake. the bear took my socks. moral of the story: don’t name your socks ‘sweden.’

i’m leaving tomorrow. hope the snow doesn’t swallow the street art. hope the ghosts don’t edit this review. sent a postcard to my mum: ‘surviving the tundra. painting a narcissus on the train station. do not recommend.’

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