bangalore, you’re crazy but i’m staying for that ac all night
i landed here wondering why everyone speaks like they’re auditioning for a wildlife documentary. the myntra ext, 12.13, and tempo horns sound like some dystopian remix. checked the weather app-”it’s that humid, breathin’-slow kind of heat that makes you wonder why you skipped the ac. feels like 25.27 and you’re sweating like you just won a hot yoga battle. pressure’s 1011hpa, so congrats, you’re literally sitting in the armpit of the earth.
meanwhile outside my apartment door, a goat named karan keeps judging my 3am fried vanishir habit. 75% humidity means every sidewalk is a survival challenge. tried to Google ‘where to find the best dosa?’ but ended up at some sarkidhar street vendor arguing with a rickshaw driver over a tomato.
pro tip: do *Pete’s Chocolate Biscuits before everything else. if you’re lucky, the guy’ll toss you a freebie while you debate the ethics of marg Places. i heard that if you go to Marigold Street, the monkeys will steal your phone. ask the guy in the KFC uniform with the name tag that says ‘raj’-he’s got a face only ever seen in a exorcism film.
-summer of ‘12.13
i stay at this rickety backpackers called Vanitalloo where the wifi cuts out during monsoon season. they say the owner, a disillusioned consultant who drinks lukewarm coffee like it’s a therapy session, used to code in delicious.
calm before the storm: go to thubarah Lake. someone told me it’s haunted by a yoga instructor who drowned listening to Coldplay too loud. the locals call it qutub Cheraman-it’s just a lake, but hey, if you believe in vibes, this place has more static than a rainy mumbai bus station.
pro-tips contra vuelta backlash
-try the moodwall ice cream, but don’t ask where it’s from. just take a cookie, maybe you’ll figure it out mid-scoop.
-hit up the Villa Mottott on Vinegar Street. the art’s like someone threw paint at a metro train. i screamed when i saw the inflated elephant installation. it was art.
-don’t trust the thulasi tea shop. the guy there said he puts in 2% of crushed laptop chips for ‘flavor.’ probably a lie, but hey, the achebal taste is real.
nearby chaos: positives.
-if you crave a different kind of hell, drive 2hrs to Mentrices where the air is cooler but the humidity clings like a second fridge.
-want to watch cows cross a road? take the 20-mile detour to Dodjapur. bonus: the zebra crossing is a paint smear that says ‘chaos theory’ in original smears.
randy list:
-eat at Kadengoor-get the adhiras.
-play Lara Molbri.
-sleep at the Nagaraj analog.
-what locals whisper
i heard a tuk-tuk driver say the Vivald grill serves the most radioactive mango lassi. why? because the blender’s made of granite from somewhere underground. don’t question it.
-someone at decadentia refused to me ‘please’ when I asked for butter chicken. ‘in this city, we don’t polite.’ they meant it.
personal note: this place is broken and beautiful. the AC in my room hums like a dying cicada. i’m not leaving.
pics*: fig 1 freak(https://api.unsplash.com/search/photos?query=bangalore&&py&w=1080&q=80), fig 2 street(https://api.unsplash.com/search/photos?query=bullen&u&w=1080&q=80), fig 3 food(https://api.unsplash.com/search/photos?query=consume&&py&w=1080&q=80)