cologne: rain, cathedral overkill, and those tiny beer glasses

honestly? my brain feels like mashed potatoes after three days here. jetlag mixed with kölsch is brutal. landed thinking "oh pretty german city" but nope - this place slaps you with gothic spires before you even find your hotel lobby.

here's where i'm drowning my sorrows in fermented grain:yeah right on the rhine where sailors start sweating about depth apparently. feels ancient because it is - founded by actual romans who clearly didn't pack enough umbrellas.

speaking of: i just checked and it's 5°c but feels like 2°c out there right now with disgusting humidity tentacles, hope you like that kind of thing. brought the wrong coat definitely packing ski gear next time.

the cathedral though. holy crap. they started building this beast in 1248 and honestly still feels unfinished? went up the south tower stairs - 533 steps for "views" aka just clouds and scaffolding tbh. saw the shrine of three magi bones. felt surreal like is this holy or 다음차주뭐하지? tourism overdose? someone told me the bells iiiisound like injured whales but i slept through matins.

hohenzollern bridge's covered in leo love locks & vomit stains. romance is dead folks. tried finding honest food - got himmel un ääd at an old brewpub: mashed potatoes, applesauce and purple sausage lumps. translation: "heaven & earth" feels more like purgatory tbh. kölsch hits different though - waiters slide those 0.2l glasses like you’re at a high-stakes vodka poker game. covered my coaster coaster after four.

if you get bored (& the rain breaks your spirit), bonn's 34km away or vormen어디야 düsseldorf feels close at 40km. short drive supposedly. drove myself tho we don’t discuss parking fees.

locals warned me about carnival season - "millions descend like drunk locusts" - but off-season feels perpetually damp with cathedral-locked tourists. saw angry signs about public drinking laws after 2020. felt judged sipping apfelschorle on a bench. chocolate museum made everything better obviously.

apartment smelled vaguely of damp brick and regret but night walks by the river made things kinda peaceful despite street implements everywhere. avoid central areas without triple-padded wallet pockets though.

so yeah. come for history stay for chronic damp? vaguely lovely ancient port city if you pack rainproof everything. flew home dreaming of cheap wine regions.

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