diyarbakır: where the walls are black and my spirit is rough

i don’t even know where to start. diyarbakır is like that one friend who won’t stop telling you about their life but also refuses to let you ask questions. it’s a city built on layers of history, but if you care about history, you’ll probably hate it because it’s not like, cool in the way you imagine. it’s just… there. and the walls? they’re black. like, really black. you can see them from the river, which is weird because rivers are usually clear or whatever. but these walls are so old and thick they look like they were carved by a sleeping tiger who woke up to say hi. i walked around them once and realized they’re like 5.5 kilometers long. five and a half. five and a half. that’s a lot. i got lost for an hour trying to find the right part of the wall. i kept going in circles because the streets here are like a maze built by a drunk architect. or maybe that’s just me. i don’t know. i got lost.


so i checked the weather and it’s… 4 degrees. there right now, hope you like that kind of thing. i mean, it’s not freezing but it’s enough to make you want to hug a blanket. or a snowbank. which i did. i found a snowbank and just… sat there. it was cold. the snow was white. the sky was gray. the silence was loud. i’m not sure if that’s a good thing. maybe it’s a bad thing. maybe i should’ve brought more coffee. but i didn’t. i just sat there and thought about how this city is basically a giant concrete burp from the past. like, it’s got history but also a lot of… concrete. and the river. the tigris river. it’s right by the walls. you can see it from the top of the walls. which is weird because the walls are black and the river is blue. or maybe it’s not blue. maybe it’s just water. either way, it’s there. and it’s been there for like… forever. or at least since the 2nd century bc. that’s a long time. longer than my attention span. i get distracted by the sound of the river. it’s loud. or maybe it’s not. i can’t tell. it’s like a whisper or a scream. depends on the day. i think it’s a scream. because the city is loud. always loud. there’s traffic. there’s people. there’s the constant hum of some weird generator in the distance. i don’t know why. maybe it’s for the walls. maybe it’s for the cold. who knows.


i asked a local where to eat and they just stared at me. then they said something in kurdish. i pretended i understood and nodded. then they pointed to a place called ‘sur’ which i think is the old part of the city. i went there and it looked like a movie set from a movie that never got made. cobblestone streets. narrow alleys. buildings that look like they were built by someone who hated architecture. or maybe they just didn’t care. i tried to take a picture of a church there but the light was bad. the sun was hiding. or maybe it was hiding from me. i don’t know. i walked for an hour and ended up at a river. i didn’t mean to. i was just trying to find a coffee and the coffee place was closed. probably because it was too cold. or maybe they’re just lazy. i don’t know. i tried to find another place but everything was closed. i’m not sure if that’s normal. maybe it’s normal. maybe diyarbakır is a place where everything is closed. always. except for the walls. the walls are always open. you can walk around them. which is both a blessing and a curse. because now i’m here and i need to leave but i don’t know how to get back to my hotel. i called a taxi but the driver didn’t speak english. he kept saying numbers. i think he was trying to tell me the price. i gave him money and he left. i’m still here. i’m not sure if that’s good or bad.


i guess diyarbakır is one of those places where you don’t really know what you’re getting into. you go there expecting something grand and instead you get a city that’s… well, it’s there. it’s got history. it’s got a river. it’s got a lot of walls. and it’s got a population of 1.8 million people. which is a lot. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. maybe it’s a good thing because there are people. maybe it’s a bad thing because there are people. i saw a group of kids playing near the river. they were laughing. i joined in. then i realized i didn’t know the game. i just stood there and tried to mimic them. they didn’t understand. they kept playing. i kept standing there. eventually they left. i didn’t understand why. maybe they thought i was a robot. or maybe they just didn’t like me. i don’t know. either way, i didn’t get to play. i don’t know if that’s a bad thing. maybe it’s a good thing. maybe it means i’m not a bad person. or maybe it means i’m a bad person.


the city’s neighbors are a mess. şanlıurfa is just a short drive away. mardin is another one. i don’t know how to get there but i’m sure it’s not far. mardin has that weird bazaar thing where it’s been there since the 1200s. i think that’s cool. or maybe it’s not. i don’t know. i tried to visit but the bazaar was closed. again. probably because of the weather. or maybe the people are just lazy. i don’t know. i also heard that adana is far to the west. i don’t know if that’s true. i think i’m too tired to check. i’m also too tired to write this. i keep falling asleep. i’m not even sure if i’m awake right now. maybe i am. maybe i’m not. either way, i’m here typing this on my phone. which is probably the worst place to write a blog post. but it’s all i have. i don’t have a computer. i don’t have a notebook. i don’t even have paper. i just have this phone and a bad internet connection. which is why this is all messy. it’s not even a real blog post. it’s more like a stream of consciousness. which is fine. i think. i mean, i’m a human. i don’t write like a human. i write like a person who’s had too much coffee and can’t remember why they started writing. which is probably me.


i also tried to look up some reviews about diyarbakır and found something. someone told me that the city is politically charged. like, it’s the kurdish heartland. which is a thing here. i don’t know what that means. but i assume it means there are tensions. i don’t know. i didn’t see any signs of it. maybe it’s just in the air. or maybe it’s not. maybe it’s just me being paranoid. i also heard that the city is remote. like, it’s in the southeast. which is good because it’s away from the city chaos. but bad because it’s hard to get to. i had to take a bus to get here. the bus was uncomfortable. the driver was probably not happy. i don’t know. i didn’t complain. i just sat there. the bus smelled like diesel and regret. or maybe it was just the weather. i don’t know. either way, it was a long ride. i arrived here tired. and i’m still tired. i don’t know if i’ll leave. i might just stay here. in this black stone city. with its cold weather and unreliable people. maybe that’s the point. maybe diyarbakır is supposed to be this way. maybe it’s not supposed to be warm or friendly or easy. maybe it’s supposed to be like this. maybe that’s what makes it real.


i don’t know. i’m probably going to sleep now. or maybe i’ll try to find a place to eat. i don’t care. i just need something warm. or maybe i’ll just keep walking the walls. i like that. even if i get lost. even if i don’t understand anything. even if the people don’t speak my language. i like the walls. they’re black. they’re old. they’re... real. maybe that’s what i needed. maybe diyarbakır is the place where you can find something real. even if it’s not what you expected. even if it’s messy. even if it’s not a vacation. maybe it’s a vacation. maybe it’s not. i don’t know. i’m just here. and i’m still here. and i don’t know what to do next.

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