hamburg, not trying too hard, why you should leave before i get here and meet the neighbors who walk dogs in rain boots

not sure how to say this without sounding dramatic but it’s been 37 hours since i got here and the weight of it all is just... clinging. the air here reeks of salt and something else-like the kind of humidity that puts you in a headlock. i checked the weather and it’s that same sticky heat that clings to your skin like last night’s takeout grease. feels like someone pressed a steam room onto my forehead tight enough to bruise.

i walked past a canal at 2 or 3am and saw a dude arguing with a vending machine at 4:17 in the morning. drowned rats in the stole that were floating past. not even kidding. this place feels like a movie set where the director forgot the part of the script where the protagonist leaves.

met a guy at the coffee stall who swears there’s a ghost in the train station. says it’s in the ticket machine. whispered to me about how the commuters pretend it’s not there but it’s been alive since the teasels grew through the cobblestones.

if you get bored, donc in 20 minutes or kiel for a beach volleyball fix. but honestly? just grab a beer and watch the world trip over itself. the main issue here is the egos. everyone acts like they’re in a perfume ad while walking along the phantom kraatz.

tried the local markets and found nothing but pickled herring that probably tasted like regret and the sea. someone told me there’s a vegan place that serves kelp noodles but when i went, it was closed. maybe it’s a pre-quel to this city’s energy.

and the locals? they all wear something that screams "i’m too cool to care" but have sweat stains under their collars. i’m not mad. just vibing with their weirdness. last night, a woman on a bike shouted at a cloud. i think she won that fight.

map:

check out the café kursaal for posh folk sipping overpriced espresso. yelp says it’s the kind of place where trust fund folks go to feel pretentious. link: https://www.tripadvisor.com/HamburgThingsToDo
https://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-kursaal-hamburg

saw a documentary about the red light district and thought, "oh, here we are again." not much changed since the 1800s except the fashion choices. now it’s more about hashtags than scandal.

i tried making friends but everyone has a passport from somewhere else and a story about how their hometown was better. classic. just listen to the arguments at the bus stops. it’s like a podcast but with more yelling and less editing.

neighbors featured: the dude in the yellow rain jacket who yells at his dog. the old lady who hums german opera while watering penguins at the zoo. the group of teens who blast eurodance in flip-flops. you forget how to breathe here.

someone told me the beach is 20 minutes away but it feels like 3 hours. maybe that’s the hump you gotta get over before you can admit you like it. maybe you leave. maybe you stay. maybe your Wi-Fi dies and you’re stuck here forever.

just before i write this, i hear a seagull arguing with a street lamp. it’s either the most beautiful shit i’ve ever heard or a sign that my brain is melting from the humidity. either way, i’m not leaving until the dog walkers stop wearing boots indoors and the canal stops recycling its drown rats.

"they say this place is cursed," i heard from a scampering thief who stole my camera strap last night. but damn, i’m starting to believe her.

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