Kabul Commute Chaos: How Your DIY Busker Ass Gets Stuck Between Donkeys & Generators

my harmonica case doubles as a dashboard clock here-that's how i learned to measure kabul traffic in missed opportunities and sunburns. let me paint this for you: yesterday's gig at The Laughing Buddha Cafe (google that shithole here) required crossing the Kabul River zone at 4pm. 15 kilometers. 72 minutes. three near-collisions with rickshaws smuggling live chickens. today's wisdom? traffic here isn't about distance-it's about how much dust you're willing to swallow while some warlord's nephew's convoy rolls through.

"samovar time is traffic time bruv," said a opium-eyed mechanic smoking near my broken-down Corolla at 9am, "between prayer brakes and generators buying diesel, god's laughing at your google maps."

according to some german NGO's spreadsheet i found on r/Kabul, average speeds drop to 11km/h in Wazir Akbar Khan district-slower than my drunk cover of "house of the rising sun." and don't get me started on chicken street sundays where tourists shopping for fake lapis bracelets gridlock alleys tighter than taliban belt buckles.

*survival hacks from a pavement poet:

"taxi drivers will tell you 'shortcut' means 'i need money for hashish". walk if it's under 3km-your lungs filter less lead than their soviet-era ladas spew." - ayi, saffron tea seller who owes me 200 afs

needed to rant about police checkpoints* creating accidental parkways where buses vomit out passengers like conflicted regrets. also-weather's been dry enough to crack a soviet tank hull, making unpaved roads into talcum powder death slides. escape plan? drive five hours east to Jalalabad's orchards or fly 45 mins to mazar's blue tiles when the honking drives you feral. ps: found this hole-in-wall chaikhana behind karte char thanks to yelp's only Kabul review worth believing.

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