montreal: where my nose froze off and i accidentally spoke french

this city hates me. or maybe i just didn’t wear enough layers. i just checked and it’s -8°C but feels like -15°C with the wind. hope you like that kind of thing.

my phone died twice while trying to navigate because my frozen fingers couldn’t operate it properly. welcome to quebec’s icy heart.

the skyscrapers here look like they’re shivering too. montreal’s basically built on an archipelago of 200+ islands, which explains why everything’s either uphill, downhill, or underwater.

someone told me that mount royal isn’t even a real mountain-just a glorified hill they named the whole city after. typical french-canadian humility. speaking of which, you’ll hear a lot of french here. i tried ordering a coffee in english and got a look that could freeze lava.

if you get bored, laval or longueuil are just a short drive away. not that you’ll want to leave-this place has a weird gravitational pull. the saint lawrence river does some witchcraft here, flowing south instead of north like rivers are supposed to. someone told me the lachine canal is where all the hipsters hang out, but it was frozen solid when i went. history lesson: some french folks rocked up in 1642 and named this place "city of mary." by 1832 it was canada’s chaos capital. like any good colonial city, it grew because of fur. fur! now it’s all bridges and bilingual street signs and people who don’t understand why i’m wearing three scarves at once. fun fact: it’s the second-most populous river island in the world. beat only by some island in china i’ve never heard of. the port’s still churning, the poutine’s still steaming, and my face is still thawing out from that wind. montreal doesn’t care if you’re cold. montreal’s survived worse.

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