naples, fl: where the only mural makes sense and no one cares about zoning laws

i woke up to the kind of smell that makes you think the apocalypse is just a few bad decisions away.the air smelled like pasta seaweed and someone’s expired deodorant. it’s that kind of place again. no warning no fanfare just me and the humidity already knocking before i even opened my eyes.i just checked and it’s that humid swamp fog again hope you like waking up to frog symphonies.if you get bored the old martian trail is just a rusty truck ride away from the gas station. someone told me the sea lion mascot here actually fell into the saltwater last week which explains why it’s now just a sad rock with a seaweed blanket.honestly i’m here because a vintage clothes picker at a flea market in miami told me naples has the best hidden spray paint alleys. cheap thrills and cheaper prices i guess.

there’s this spot near the old pier that’s basically a lawless canvas. i’m talking about a concrete wall so covered in graffiti it looks like the wall itself is having a identity crisis. a local street artist told me their nickname is ‘the ghost of gioconda’ which is either brilliant or tragic depending on your mood. i asked them if they get stopped by cops and they just shrugged. said cops here are too busy posting about memes on facebook to care about art. classic local apathy.

i hung out with a couple of other randoms at a taco stand one night. the owner was a burned-out yoga instructor who’d traded sunrise classes for tacos and existential dread. she told me naples is full of people who moved here for the weather and then promptly forgot to leave. which is both poetic and kinda sad. she also mentioned that if you want to see actual art not just tourists scribbling on tour guides she recommended the naples art walk on good-thursday night. i didn’t go because i’m a cheapskate but at least now i know.

the weather here is like a conspiracy against you. it’s 16 degrees but feels like 16.32 because of that 94% humidity. it’s the kind of temperature where your skin becomes a damp sponge and your thoughts start drifting to whether you left the oven on. the pressure is normal which means nothing. i tried to take a selfie and the cloud cover made everything look like it’s in a movie that never got finished.

the neighbors here are the nicest kind of annoying. one family next door owns like 3 boats and keeps launching drones at midnight. another couple runs a ‘booty shorts only’ cocktail bar from their rv. i caught them playing beach volleyball in their underwear once. the local younguns swear it’s a rite of passage. i heard that if you get lost here you’ll end up at the old jail on Keyser Street. apparently it’s got a secret room with a vault that might or might not contain someone’s high school yearbook. i’m not gonna say i checked but i also didn’t.

i linked with a thought on tripadvisor that claims naples is the best place in the world for dolphin spotting. i went to check it out and saw a bunch of people tossing bread into the water like feeding pigeons. a local told me dolphins here are actual tourists they come to naples for the free fish buffet. makes sense. the yelp for the dolphin center says it’s hilarious but also a scam. i’m leaving reviews for both options.

stumbled upon this unshackled trail that locals call ‘the ghost road.’ it’s not haunted it’s just a road that no one maintains. overgrown with stuff that you’d find in a forgotten jungle. i’m talking vines that whisper in degrees fahrenheit and a half-buried tire that might be a spaceship. a guy who fixed my bike here said it’s where they dump old memes. like physical ones. i’m not sure if that’s true but it’s the kind of story that fits.

i checked the unsplash for naples and found these shots of random locals doing random things. one guy was building a makeshift sailboat out of pallets. another was teaching a cat how to do yoga. the third was 80% surrounded by a wall of vintage clothing. just enough good content to make me feel less lost.

i’m leaving naples now. probably. if i don’t end up squatting in that abandoned jail or starting a band with the ghost of gioconda. the transportation spot is unreliable so i might hitchhike. the last time i did that i ended up in a commune in miami run by a retired chef who only sells pickles. the neighbors there were obsessed with conspiracy theories and sourdough. i learned nothing.

links: https://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotels-g183420-Naples_Florida.html https://www.yelp.com/biz/the-sea-lion-harbor-naples https://naepolisartwalk.com

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