Pretoria's Secret Spots That Even Locals Miss (A Dancer's Guide)

so i was mid-rehearsal last tuesday - you know the kind, where your thighs are screaming and your playlist has ‘Flowers’ on repeat for the third hour - when my dance partner mentions she’s got this ‘insider tip’ for post-stretching recovery. turns out it was a rabbit hole that led me down pretoria’s most unhinged hidden spots. and let me tell you, this city doesn’t just have under-the-radar spots; it has literal radioactive uranium tailings hills locals use for sunrise workouts.

first off, the weather’s playing that classic pretoria trick where it’s so dry your snot crystallizes but the shade feels like stepping into a fridge. perfect for dancing, terrible for hydration. and hey, if your lungs give out, you’re just a 40-minute drive from jozi’s vibe or a 1-hour flight to cape town’s salty air.

now about those gems:

*the underground jazz cave - it’s literally in a basement arcade near church square. no sign. you’ll find it by following the sound of a saxophone that sounds like it’s drowning in whiskey. costs zip but bring cash for the dodgy atm. locals warned me: ‘if the bartender offers you ‘special’ rooibos, say no unless you want your third eye opened.’

the abandoned botanical greenhouse - near groenkloof. ivy’s swallowing glass panes and you can hear wind whistling through broken vents. best at golden hour when light filters through the cracks. a photographer friend swears it’s ‘where pretoria’s ghosts do yoga,’ but i just did my barre routine there.

the concrete riverbank dance floor* - along the apies river. locals fish here, but at 3am it turns into this surreal open-air club with bass booming from car trunks. last time i went, a guy tried to teach me gumboot dance moves - let’s just say i’m better at contemporary.

> ‘dude, if you ever see someone selling ‘authentic springbok jerky’ at the hatfield market, it’s probably beef. or kangaroo. nobody knows.’ - overheard near a food stall that smells like regret

> ‘the botanical gardens? tourist trap. real pretorians get their peace at the union building’s roof garden after midnight. security’s cool if you bring them vetkoek.’ - screamed at me by a street performer juggling paint cans

>> ‘pro tip: avoid the ‘historical’ tram ride unless you want to hear a tour guide’s conspiracy theories about apartheid aliens. take the bus instead. cheaper and more chaotic.’ - text from a local i met at a speakeasy

and yeah, pretoria’s cheaper than jozi - rent’s like R6k for a decent flat in sunnyside, but job’s competitive unless you’re in government or mining. safety’s… whatever. just don’t flash your phone in mamelodi after dark.

for more rabbit holes, check this reddit thread or tripadvisor’s ‘offbeat’ section. and if you see a girl in legwarmers doing pliés on a uranium hill? say hi. just bring water.

> ‘dude, the dance floor at the concrete riverbank? sketchy. saw a guy try to spin on his head and face-plant into a puddle of something suspicious. 10/10 would watch again.’ - drunk advice from a dreadlocked raver

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