riyadh is a messed up city but kinda cool i guess

ever heard of a city that’s basically a giant parking lot with skyscrapers pretending to be historical sites? well riyadh is that. i spent a week there and let me tell you it’s like someone took a hipster’s dream and made it into a fiscal nightmare. first off i just checked and it’s 16.69 degrees right now which is like the temperature of your fridge if you left the door open for a week but also simultaneously dry as a desert. i mean sure the air conditioner in my hotel never worked properly so i’m already biased but still.=i walked around and honestly? it felt like a mirage. everything is so flat and gray and then boom there’s this giant glass tower that looks like it belongs on mars. don’t even get me started on the traffic. imagine trying to drive in a city where the roads are built like a puzzle but everyone’s upside down. i got stuck behind a van that was going 30 km/h for 10 minutes because some guy was taking a selfie. who does that?
imagine a city where wadi hanifa is supposed to be this cool river thing but it’s just a dry ditch most of the time. i tried to jog there and got a cactus in my hair. also the local food? it’s all ‘meh’ vibes. someone told me that the best street food is a sandwich with meat that tastes like it’s been sitting in a sock for three days. i ate it anyway because i’m a sucker for cheap food. but hey it’s better than starving in a desert.

so if you get bored, al kharj is just a short drive away. drive through the desert and you’ll see random tents and maybe a camel for sale. it’s like a mental break but also a reminder that this city is 90% asphalt. and jabal tuwaiq? that mountain thing is just a sad hill with a fancy name. i tried to climb it and my friend who’s like a superhero in sneakers still couldn’t make it to the top. we both ended up watching astaatallah from a fast-food parking lot.

now the weather here is a surefire way to ruin your vibe. it’s always hot or cold but never in between. one day it’s like 40 degrees and the next it’s 16 and you’re freezing but also sweating because of that humidity thing. i swear the ac units are just trying to see how long they can last before exploding. and don’t even get me started on the smells. it’s like a dumpster fire in a fancy mall. i kept getting headaches from the air quality. but wait-someone told me that riad is actually really clean under all the grime. i don’t believe that. i saw a guy trying to wash his car in a puddle next to a restroom. how do you even function?

the landmarks? ok. the kingdom centre is this 99-floor building that’s so tall it should be illegal. i stood under it and felt like a bug. my friend said it’s owned by this rich guy named prince al-waleed who’s basically a living billionaire. i asked him if he’d ever seen a sunset there and he just shrugged. classic billionaire energy. then there’s king abdullah financial district which is basically a maze of glass buildings. i got lost for 20 minutes and ended up in a government office wondering if i needed a visa to stand there. also ain heet cave is a thing. it’s a cave with a lake that’s like 150 meters deep. i went in with a flashlight and came out with sand in my eyes and a new respect for water.

people here are… mixed. most of them are just trying to survive the heat and the traffic. there’s this one old man who rides a Segway everywhere and honks at every car. i think he’s either a hero or a menace. and the culture thing? yeah it’s conservative. you can’t even walk past a cafe without someone tossing you a shirt because your shoulders are showing. i got handed a burqa by a hitchhiker once. i still have it. it’s got my name written on it in marker. brutal. but hey the city’s got history. like those old walls they rebuilt in 2020. it’s all very performative. like they’re trying to impress the world but no one cares.

i visited king Khalid airport which is 35 km north. it’s this giant thing with a desert theme. they have a indoor beach and a garden that looks like it was designed by a drunk architect. i stayed there for a night and the AC broke. again. the next day i drove through the desert and saw a sign that said ‘welcome to saudi arabia please don’t sue us.’ true story.

so yeah riad is a mess. it’s a city built on sand and secrets. the good thing is it’s growing fast but also falling apart at the seams. if you visit you’ll probably get sunburned twice, stranded in traffic, and meet a guy selling dates by the side of the road who refuses to take more than five dirhams for a bag. it’s chaotic. it’s loud. and somehow it works. or maybe it doesn’t. who knows. just don’t forget to bring sunscreen and a sense of humor. or don’t. i forgot both.

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