the best public and private schools in birmingham? honestly don’t care. i just want to know where they serve fries in the cafeteria

so last week i drove past a school with a sign that said ‘we don’t care about your gpa’ and it made me wonder if they were being real or just trolling. maybe both? i don’t know. i’m from outside of birmingham, so the whole public vs. private debate feels like Adulting 101. like, why am i here explaining this to a computer? why don’t we all just Google it? fair enough, but let’s pretend we didn’t. let’s pretend we’re here, sitting in a pub, gripping beers like we’re still in high school. that’s the birmingham way.

now, the data. i checked the latest rent stats (sure, why not?) and here’s the tea: a one-bedroom apartment in the city center costs roughly £900 a month. safe? only if you don’t wander past the a38 at 2 a.m. jobs? there’s plumbing gigs everywhere, but they pay like a student’s part-time wage. my cousin works at a Pret in peri-birmingham and he’s there to fund his soul-searching. but hey, at least the weather’s consistent. or is it? last week it rained so much my car collection started leaking. 14 degrees, drizzle, existential dread. classic birmingham.

swipe right if you’ve ever sat in a school waiting room and wondered why kids wear uniforms. here’s a thought: one private school i passed had a vending machine for energy drinks. that’s not a school, that’s a caffeine cult. public schools? okay, but someone needs to tell them that ‘tradition’ doesn’t pay rent. i overheard a parent at a coffee shop last week complaining about their kid’s science teacher. the teacher, by the way, was grading papers at 8 p.m. caps lock on. another local whispered that the principal drinks espresso during parent-teacher meetings. i asked him why, and he said, ‘because they never ask enough questions.’

blockquotes from the ether:
-
["we’re paying for this school and they think we’re just here to feed the sports teams?"] - overheard at a library coffee hour
["my kid brought home a history test and the teacher graded it in pig latin. i told him to pass it back. he said, ‘no, it’s art. deal with it.’"] - unnamed diy busker i met at a park bench
["birmingham private schools are just fancy daycare for elites. mine’s for kids who don’t know better."] - a PTA mom at a farmers’ market, post-childbirth wine

the photos? i took none. i just pulled up unsplash because why not? a building with circles on it? probably a montessori school or a tesla charging station. i can’t tell. the cars at night? yeah, that’s birmingham. highways with semis and ‘move over’ signs that nobody follows. it’s like the city’s distracted driving problem has a superhero complex.

oh, and the neighbors? my next-door neighbor is a yoga instructor who plays heavy metal at 5 a.m. on her patio. i asked why. she said, ‘it’s my chakra routine.’ i left. i didn’t need to hear more about esencial energy.

but here’s the catch: birmingham schools are all about connections. like, if you know the right people, you can get into private schools without even trying. i heard a teacher at a local bar say that last year. i asked her to elaborate, and she said, ‘it’s like birmingham’s job market, but for college applications.’ so, safety? only if you avoid the a45 between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. rent? think twice before moving near a busker park. job market? only if you’re into part-time work or learning to juggle flaming traffic cones.

external links: if you’re halfway serious, check
https://tripadvisor.com/school-reviews for parent rants
https://yelp.com/birmingham-schools for cafes near schools
https://www.reddit.com/r/BirminghamSchools for the behind-the-scenes chaos
https://www.birmingham.gov.uk for the official, ‘don’t worry, everything’s fine’ vibe

in conclusion: birmingham schools are like the city itself. chaotic, a little broken, but oddly charming. if you’re looking for a place where your kid can thrive, maybe try that one in Erdington. rumor says they play music during assemblies. that’s dedication. or is it just bad life choices? i’ll leave you to decide. go drink coffee somewhere and stop caring. it’s birmingham. that’s what we do.

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