warsaw on a budget: when your wallet screams and your backpack smug
so here’s the deal: i arrived in warsaw on a tuesday with a suitcase half-full of pot noodles and a thermos that only knows loss. the city’s greeted me with -1.65°c - which is basically a polar bear’s tea party in your bloody jacket. i checked an app, and the weather looked like someone froze a popsicle stick in their pants. but hey, it’s 91% humidity too, so maybe the cold’s just flirting with you by saying ‘i’ll turn you to ice if you don’t buy me a cocktail.’
psst: if you get bored, warsaw’s suburbs are like, two coffee stops away. bring layers. and a thermos. i swear my thermos worked for 15 minutes before it started sweating condensation like a sad ex.
i was wandering around the old town, wondering why everyone here carries pepper spray and sunscreen like it’s a warzone. then a guy at a kebab stand slid into me. seriously. he handed me a receipt for a place called 'koca market' and said, ‘i heard that {cityname} has the best sausage vendor. also, it’s 100% cheaper than that yelp-reviewed joint. take your pick.’ i didn’t question it. i don’t have the energy to fact-check mid-skit-survival.
make sure to check tripadvisor or whatever for later.-someone told me that koca market’s sausage vendor once survived a black market duel with a russian tourist. don’t ask how. i heard it involved sauerkraut and existential dread. but if you’re into that, more power to you.
overheard gossip: in a park, someone said, ‘marathon runners hate this part of warsaw. the paths are like concrete whispers that refuse to let you run fast.’ i don’t know if that’s true, but the park did feel like it was plotting against me. the trees leaned sideways, and a bench screamed in polish letters.
weirdly, the locals seem to know when you’re fake. i tried ordering a coffee at a shop with a pumpkin spice latte. the barista stared at me like i’d just told them i’d never left my house. or that i’d lost my keys. i paid for it with chicory and a hug. it was sufficient.
i found a free walking tour via one of those local community boards. the host was a woman in a vintage coat who smelled like lavender and regret. she gave us a map and said, ‘if you see a place that looks suspiciously like a black hole, don’t go there. unless you like existential dread with a side of cheap pastries.’
here are some pics i took. the first one’s a building i stared at for 20 minutes. wasn’t sure if it was a mosque or a museum. the second’s a window that looks like it was designed by an alien with a single eye. the third? i don’t even know. i just like christmas ornaments.
i stopped to ask a stranger about the best place to buy bread bowls. a man in a hoodie pointed me to this place called ‘ Dobra Tarta’ and whispered, ‘it’s run by a guy who lost his family in a siege. don’t be rude. just say thanks. he’ll give you a brownie."
i’m writing this from a hostel bathroom. the sink water’s lukewarm, and the tiles scream. but i’m okay. okay? okay. i’m just washing ramen here. nothing to see.
links:
- check koca market on yelp: https://www.yelp.com
- workshops in warsaw: https://www.tripadvisor.com
- local board secrets: https://www.warszawa.gov.pl
update: i asked a drunk at a casino bar how to avoid tourist traps. he screamed, ‘the trams go to every trap! avoid them unless you want to pay for a guided tour by a guy who thinks monet is a brand of vodka.’ i trusted him. i didn’t.
if you like this, you might also love complaining about the weather or pretending you’re a pro dancer. follow me. i’ll post spaghetti rants and maybe one coffee review.