Zamboanga: Where Lechon Meets Robotics and I Almost Burned Myself Making Empanadas

i mean honestly how did i end up here? zamboanga, the city that smells like saltwater and failed attempts at frying eggplant. i woke up this morning thinking ‘maybe i’ll just scramble an egg for breakfast’ but nope. turns out my ‘tiny’ apartment has a stove that looks like it belongs in a museum. not that i’m complaining. maybe.

so i just checked and it’s searing hot. 28.93 degrees? feels like 32.76 if you ask me. basically a human sauna. hope you like that kind of thing. i don’t. i’m sweating through my vintage band t-shirt. which i bought in manila for 50 pesos. still look good though. always look good.

neighbors are doing their thing. one’s blasting punk music so loud it’s probably endorsing a genre i didn’t know existed. another’s yelling at a rooster. if you get bored, sip therapeutics or whatever that fancy cold brew is. definitely not the last time i’ll talk about that.

here’s where the chaos starts. i saw this post on a local yelp board someone link’d to: ‘best lechon stand near the port, but only if you’re not afraid of proses. or ghosts. probably just proses.’ i heard that from a guy selling mango shakes at 3am. kinda trustworthy? maybe. so i went. prozes. it’s not a typo. tastes like regret and pork. the waitstaff looked like they’d rather be selling espresso. which is fair. i ended up eating lechon while listening to a tour guide drone on about how zamboanga was once a pirate haven. obviously. why not.

someone told me that the tuna tower is better at night but i’m not sure if they’re lying or just drunk. i asked a drunk. he said yes. confidently. i’ll take his word. later, i tried to make empanadas. failed. gave up. now i’m eating rice cake with mayonnaise. it’s fine. probably.

the map below? it’s mostly water. and maybe a few restaurants that aren’t owned by ex-military guys. you can find me here:

. don’t get lost in the sea of sospechosos.

i found some images on unsplash to match my vibe. first one? a guy selling ice cream next to a chicken coop. second? a sunset over the harbor. third? me attempting to juggle utensils.

zamboanga’s vibe? it’s like if a cooking show and a war movie had a kid. the weather’s hot, the history’s weird, and the people? they’ll tell you stories if you pay in ice cream. or alliteration. or anything else. just ask.

some reviews online say the fish market is the best but i heard that from a woman wearing a hat made of coconut shells. she also claimed the buffet was haunted. could be true. who knows? check tripadvisor for the full… uh… underwater tale. or yelp for my lechon blunder. pro tips: never trust a tuna tower. always check if the proses is fresh. and if someone offers you a free empanada, run. fast.

tags: travel zamboanga human vibe messy

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