best after-school activities and youth sports in providence. not a guide. more like my notes from a post-coffee sprint.

so i was hanging out with my cousin lisa today, and she’s like, ‘you need to get your kid into something. like, immediately.’ i’m thinking, ‘bro, my kid just wants to binge netflix and eat doritos off the floor.’ but apparently, providence has options. like, so many. i did some digging. of course. i mean, who hasn’t?

so here’s the tea: after-school activities in providence are a dumpster fire of subpar options and weirdly specific stuff. like, you can send your kid to a yak-shaving workshop. i’m not joking. yes, this is a thing. i found it on a yelp page for a tiny little shop on east brooklyn street. the owner was this old guy named bob who claimed he’d ‘perfected the art of de-chewing yaks in 1892.’ when i asked for proof, he handed me a pamphlet written in cursive and a stick of glue. yeah. glue. mlp glue.

but also, there’s legit stuff. skate parks? sure. providence just added this massive one near the airforce mechanic’s planet. rent’s high here, but the park’s free. the kicker? it’s a 10-minute walk from a planet. i thought that was a bad joke. it’s not. it’s literally called that. if you’re into terrible business names, providence’s your bread and butter.

データ, though? let’s talk numbers. rent in providence is 12% cheaper than new york, but safety stats are… meh. the city’s violent crime rate is like 200% worse than the national average. but nobody says anything because everyone’s too busy jockeying for parking spots at the vampire hunter’s market. i swear, this place is a magnet for weirdos. and by weirdos, i mean like, people who let their kids play with diy bike trailers made of scrap metal.

weath? idiot. it’s that weird providential pre-spring where it’s 58 degrees but also doing the post-winter blues dance. one minute you’re sweating in your kids’ soccer jersey, the next you’re shivering in their hoodie. and the neighbors? yeah, the ones who keep throwing house parties on their lawn but never mow their lawn. i saw a guy once weed-whackering in his pajamas at 2 am. he said it’s ‘privacy.’ i said, ‘sir, you’re wearing flip-flops.’ he said, ‘i’m a minimalist.’

overheard gossip, for hours: one mom told another, ‘my kid joined the robotics club and now he’s coding affirmations for stressed-out squirrels.’ another said, ‘don’t let your kids in the park after 4pm. last week, they found a vial of booze and a manifesto written in 12-point arial. i don’t even know what to say.’

external links: if you want to check the chaos vibe yourself, here’s the providence subreddit, which is basically a dumpster fire of local event listings. yelp for actual parent reviews, and tripadvisor for ridiculous activities like the "mystery bus tour of haunted boredom."

ps. the map? it’s here:

. also, image 1 of a skate park and image 2 of a kid crying over waffle fries spent too much money on. classic providence.

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