Birmingham Schools: Where Your Kid Might Actually Want to Learn (Or Not)

so i was trying to figure out schools in birmingham and honestly the internet is like a bunch of pushy salespeople. you’d think they’d just tell you which ones are good but instead it’s all like ‘oh yeah our school has a 98% exam pass rate or whatever’ and you’re like ‘ok but does it have a decent dodgeball team?’ i mean, priorities, right?

let’s start with the data because i’m a freelance photographer at heart and data is just another kind of light to photograph. birmingham has a mix of public and private schools, and honestly the numbers are kinda messy. public schools cost nothing but they’re often packed like sardines. i heard bastion academy is one of the top-rated freeschools here, but it’s in an area where the nearest Greggs is a 45-minute walk. that’s not a selling point, that’s a meme. private schools? well, they charge like £10,000 a year or whatever and they’ll tell you it’s ‘an investment in your child’s future’ which is just another way of saying ‘because we have a gym and a fancy library.’ i mean, if you can afford that, maybe. but my friend james once told me, ‘i sent my kid to private school so he wouldn’t have to hear kids in uptown york sing ‘john travolta’ at drop-off.’

safety stats are another mess. some areas like balti grove have lower crime rates but the schools there are run by people who think ‘arts education’ means letting kids spray paint the lockers. on the other hand, schools near nsns (i know, that’s a thing here) have lower enrollment but also fewer qualified teachers. check the birmingham city council website or whatever, but i wouldn’t trust it. it’s like a government brochure written by someone who never actually went to school. i’m talking about job market too. teacher salaries here are polarising. private schools pay like private sector jobs, public schools? not so much. if you’re a teacher here, you’re either unionised or you’re living in a van and stealing food from café de luxe.

weather in birmingham? it’s like if a raincloud had a grudge. i moved here last year and i’ve owned three umbrellas. they all died. one got stolen, one collapsed from box overload, and the third i used to dry with oh so last year’s laundry. it’s not great for photography either. if you’re a photographer trying to take ‘nice’ shots of a school, you’re either dealing with harsh midday sun or clouds that look like they were painted by a drunk toddler. and don’t get me started on the windows. half the classrooms in some schools are blacked out because parents did a protest about ‘mind-reading aliens.’ i don’t even.

neighbors? oh yeah. if you live near a school here, you’re either next to a football team that plays at half-time or a family that hosts karaoke at 8 am. i had one neighbour who once tried to teach their kid rugby by rolling a ball down a hill. it ended with the kid in the hospital and the family in drama court. but hey, at least they’ve got community spirit? or is that just me?

oh, and the reviews. i’ve gotten so many mixed messages. one person said ‘birmingham school of commerce is like a prison camp but with better food.’ another said it’s ‘the most fun you’ll have outside of a nightclub.’ which is both terrifying and inspiring. i overheard a local at a pub saying ‘don’t trust any school with a playground bigger than a parking lot. my cousin went there and he’s now a park ranger.’ which is… i guess? advicde from a drunk at closing time? maybe. but then again, i’ve seen kids from the local state school beat up a guy for stealing their pencil case. so maybe it’s just the city.

if you’re stuck here, i’d recommend over on tripadvisor. check out the reviews for ‘birmingham grammar school for boys’ - it’s everything and nothing. and if you’re thinking of moving near a school, look up yelp for cafes nearby. i found a spot called ‘the student union’ and it’s run by actual students. their toast is burnt and their coffee is lukewarm but they’ve got a great wifi. or maybe check the birmingham subreddit. someone posted a detailed map of all the schools sorted by ‘vandalism risk’ and i’m 70% sure it’s accurate.

so yeah, birmingham schools are a vibe. chaotic, unpredictable, and mostly-functional. if your kid hates maths, go to a school with a good dodgeball team. if they love maths, find one that doesn’t. and if you’re spending £10k on private school fees, maybe ask yourself why you’re not just buying a house in the countryside. but hey, at least the traffic here is so bad you’re guaranteed to arrive late. that’s a plus.

(p.s. i took photos of a school courtyard yesterday. it was just grey clouds and a lone kid sitting on a bench looking at a pigeon. i pretended it was art. it didn’t work.)

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