Goi4035 Paris: My Chaotic Days in the City of Fog and French Espresso

i woke up this morning to the smell of burnt toast and existential dread, which honestly fits right into the current vibe. the thermometer said 17.9°C with 83% humidity-sounds mild, but when you’re sweating through a wool sweater in a coffee shop window, you realize those numbers are lying. today’s weather in paris is like a moody jazz musician: unpredictable, a little smoky, and always keeping you guessing what comes next.

walking the Rive Gauche, i spotted my neighbor, who’s a retired mime. yeah, he wasn’t moving his mouth, but his mustache kept twitching like he was arguing with the pigeons. if you get bored here, continent* are just a short ride away. not that i’d recommend leaving when it’s this gray outside-a gray so thick it could double as a plot twist in a film noir.

i overheard two baristas whispering about a café that serves caramel macchiatos with matcha latte foam. another one told me the éclairs at patisserie du jour are ‘meh,’ but the chai latte is a game-changer if you squeeze it with both hands like a stress ball. weird how they said the croissants here aren’t ‘the best,’ but when you’re sleep-deprived, that’s what the mind conjures.

the woman at the boulangerie with the neon sign ‘BRULETY’ claimed her chocolate croissant can heal hangovers. she’s either a genius or the most committed person i’ve ever met. either way, i’m writing this with a theoretical 20-minute delay because she refused to take card payments.

here’s my chaotically curated guide to surviving here:

tripadvisor says the Musée d’Orsay is a must-i agree, but get there before 10am unless you want to dodge retirees who treat the galleries like their weekend buffet. yelp reviewer @paris_junkie claims the Pompidou’s courtyard café has the worst croissants, which is funny because i saw a TikTok of someone chugging an oat milk latte there at 2am.
cities nearby? Brussels is 1.5 hours by train, and they have fries that don’t come with fries. wild stuff.

pro-tip: if you want to feel less like a tourist, stop asking, ‘where’s the Eiffel Tower?’ like you haven’t seen photos. just start walking and pretend you’re late for your own TED Talk. also, if a stranger asks if you need help, say yes. then ask where they’re going. that’s how you accidentally follow a DJ from Montmartre to his tiny Bitcoin ATM in Belleville.

img src="https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1580650571791-ac06a41c3939?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&w=1080&q=80" alt="ruins of a forgotten church in Paris, ivy creeping up cracked walls">

coffee snob barista at La Manchonnière told me this roast is ‘fair-trade but also cursed.’ matches the WiFi outage we’ll definitely have tomorrow.

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final note: don’t trust maps here. the GPS will send you to a flea market called ‘La Futuroscope’ selling objects that glow 3D-printed and smell like vanilla regret. fun.

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