Minneapolis: Lakes, Cold, and Too Many Skywalks
i just checked and it's \-4.64c here right now. feels like \-9.65 if you're dumb enough to stand outside. hope you like that kind of thing. this city is a mess of contradictions - glacial lakes and industrial grit, 13 bodies of water crammed into a tiny space, and skyways that look like they belong in a sci-fi flick. the current temperature screams 'layer up,' and the humidity? don't even ask. i'm drenched from attempting to walk outside for more than two minutes.
the skyline's a tangled mess of glass towers looming over flat, lake-studded parks. downtown's weird vibe? think 'skyway heaven' with suspiciously reliable mall of america references from out-of-towners. 'oh you live here? have you been to the mall?'
lake life is the main event. bde maka skala, minnehaha falls, the mississippi gorge - all just 20 minutes away if you don't freeze first. i tried biking along the river trail once and ended up in a snowbank. classic. the grand rounds scenic byway connects parks like i'm trying to survive a zombie apocalypse, but the ducks are judging my life choices.
someone told me the locals hate whispering. guess what? it's too loud here. between the traffic rumble in downtown and riverboat horns, my inner monologue drowned out. can't even start a podcast here.
st paul's just across the river - east side, west problems. if you get bored, wisconsin's like 15 minutes away. don't. seriously. last time i walked their tourist traps, a lighthouse gawked at me like i owed it money.
flat terrain is a lie. i went hiking downtown and ended up in a 10-foot hole. the parks are nice though! harriet lake, calhoun lake (now bde maka skala, don't ask), and something called 'the nose' where you pretend you're a mountain climber. turns out, minnehaha creek doesn't care if you think you're ready for cliffs.
skyways. yes, those annoying overpasses that let you walk from target to starbucks without touching a single raindrop. invented for drugged-up commuters, maybe?
don't eat anything labeled 'local cuisine'. the only things i found were goulash, honey butter donuts, and someone's recipe for tater-tot hotdish. i'm still not sure which is a joke.
the vibe here's: do you want to bike 10 miles to nowhere, or just stare at the horizon and wait for april? park system's like a poorly written novel - it starts strong but then forgets its own plot. cultural scene? museums, music, publishing (stop staring like you did), and festivals that cost $15 for a lukewarm dog.
if you're visiting: pack waterproof shoes. if you're living here: pack waterproof shoes and a 40-pound bag of existential dread. this place will chew you up and spit you out, but also maybe gift you a 5k or a free ice sculpture. your call.
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